Hello Folks,
How are you? You good. I would hope so. Mann, its been a crazy couple of days for me, not as in busy with external things, but trying to break down some internal things if you catch my drift. Yeah, I have been going through in a sense, and it has posed quite of a emotional challenge for me. I was going to write to you guys the other day, about the compassion of the Lord and go over what I learned in Jeremiah. However, I was not feeling it, it was like I didn't want to write about something when I knew my heart was not in it and God obviously did not put my heart in that almost post (However I heard Him say, "talk about loneliness," but I bypassed that because I didn't want to discuss it, what a special person I am. Be obedient to the Holy Spirit, people).
I have been feeling in shorter words, emotional to say the least more so "alone." I have been fighting some enemies that are not physical and I finally won this morning. Yeah, you're wondering what is she talking about, what has she been going through over there? Hold on, I'll tell you, but let me say God had gave me a nice slap on the hand or tush like Daddies do to get you out of your MESS. I am glad I serve a God who is gracious and merciful. All-knowing and forgiving. See's your pain and gives you the healing that you need. Rather that be comfort in your storm or encouragement on the ship. He delighted in telling me that He is never far and there is no where that I can't be reached by Him.
For the last couple of days, I have been numb and other words sucked up the lies that the enemy has told me on so many levels and I let them sink in. I repeat I had allowed myself to get drunk off his lies and looked like a fool. I was encouraging people during this time, but it was like I was running on an empty tank. I was not full. So the moment, that I would get off the phone with someone or finish writing to someone I would get this overwhelming sensation of despair and grief. It would be over just not being enough, to daddy issues, to mommy issues, to just overall I sucked. I don't deserve to live in the end of this little spell that I went through. I know, dramatic of me right, I mean how can I go from telling you people to learn how to love like God to the most depress woman ever. But, sadly that's what I was going through earlier this week.
The Enemy had my mind something tough. I just could not function properly in the middle of the nights it was like I was almost watched, but I wasn't. I would listen to encouraging music and read the bible. However, I would drop back into that spell of despair once again and before you know it, it starts all over again. I was like, gesh, when am I going to get enough and here is the killer part. I would imagine Jesus, standing over me, ministering to me like the Holy Spirit, but I was just not hearing Him.
I mean, be honest with me people have you ever been that way, where you just too down in your funk that when someone tries to encourage you, you just was not having it and automatically just felt lower than before. I wouldn't say that He brought me lower, but I definitely was being the stubborn jerk that I am (again sorry Jesus) and not listening. I was so messed up in the head, I literally thought that God I don't deserve to be here. I mean look at my record, look at how screwed up I am, and I just can't seem to find joy these days Lord. I am a mess and it can't possibly be a MESSAGE. You can say that I threw myself the dopest party and Satan was the host in my mind. The battlefield in the mind, you guys is something dangerous and you must be prepared for such encounters or it will knock you off your square. I mean I have experienced it before, but when it gets to the point where you feel like you are trying to swallow something and you just can't quite keep it down (That's how I felt like God's word was to me, food that I couldn't keep down). I had one of those moments and it was dreadful.
So the self pity party was going on all night in my head and I could literally picture my past on walls and see that I am seriously perverse. Whining and crying about every little thing that I've done, finally God spoke more like slapped this in my face.
"DO YOU THINK YOU THE ONLY ONE BROKEN?! THE ONLY ONE WITH A PAST AND MISSING PIECES, DIAMOND. IMAGINE WHAT THE EX-FORNICATORS, THE EX-HOMOSEXUALS, THE EX-PERVERTS, THE EX-CONS, THE EX-VICTIMS, THE EX-SLAVES, THE EX's FEEL. Their past is just as dirty as yours and I deliver them all! How can you think that you are such a lost cause, a lost piece of trash, a lost one that My hand can't deliver you. Quit becoming a drunkard off Satan's lies and adhere to My truths. I formed you before you even knew you were you. I predestined you before the foundation of the earth (Romans 8:29). When you came, I already knew you. No matter what dark place you go to I will always be there (Psalms 139). Stop allowing the root of lies make your heart stone and let me rip it from its root. Allow your heart to forgive those that made your feelings sour and let me back into My home (me). I love you with an everlasting love and there is nothing that can separate us (Jeremiah 31:3; Romans 8:38). I love you forever, know that."
And, you guys within that moment I felt so good and at peace I blubbered like a baby "sorry" to God so many times, because I have a bad habit of throwing the self-pity parties. And, it is not so much the memory in and of itself, but the pain that keeps it there. I am not saying that I have the darkest past, but I am not shy to say it wasn't that grand to where my feelings secretly kept tally marks like a victim. Slowly but surely I forgave everyone this morning and kept saying that I forgive myself. He made me also note out that I MUST love myself, because He loves me. All the while, even secretly I hated myself too. I guess, God wanted me to write this and get it out there as a testimony. Now that I am free AGAIN, I have to put in practice of staying free AGAIN. And, stop allowing my pride to take control in the worst way. Pride takes many forms, but self-pity is one of them. When you think you're too BAD to be apart of a Kingdom that God clearly called you to be a part of. Yes, my friend that is pride and pride was about to take me out (Proverbs 16:18-Pride before destruction).
So I encourage you to not only understand that you are definitely not alone, but to also be mindful that God sees you in your darkest hour, in your weakest state. He knows what you need and what needs to be done. Hence, why I am a blank canvas and in the end I will see His finish work in me. God had to remind me that I was not alone through my own understanding (He can definitely meet you where you are at) and that He still is. When the bible says that He gives you the peace that passes all understanding, His word means it. After, I sobbed and asked God for forgiveness over the simple fact that I am such a nuisance and spoiled. His peace literally made my heart soft and allowed me to digest what He said. Oh He loves you with a love that will shake you and it definitely shook me. After that I went to sleep and I woke up actually being able to breath.
You might be going through the same, but take the word for what it is and know that the storm does not last forever. He is definitely preparing my heart for some more rain though. Every moment is intentional with Him and He never fails.
If you want to be a 'blank canvas' used for God's glory: Romans 10:9 will definitely give you that slate of WORKABLE ART. Taste Him and see (Psalm 34:8).
Stay encouraged and be bless. Love ya
Diamond
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